The days have grown longer and I’ve begin deteriorating again. The title may seem a lot but I’ve realized that this blog is like an old wound and I’m always reopening it and it’s left unhealed.
I’ve recorded a lot of my life and passions on here and I never seem to fully quit writing. Even if it’s about how bad I keep up with writing, I always come back to expressing myself on WordPress. I’ve grown a lot as as a person and still learning to grow. What lead me back here was me trying to find my old Pinterest account and I thought I might’ve saved my account somewhere in this abyss.
I joined May 2014 and its 2020. That’s 6 years of my life and 6 years of personal growth. I find it amazing.
I always think I should do some soul searching to find out who I really am. I feel lost and out of body sometimes like my life isn’t real and I’m playing a video game.
Life goes on even if it’s not recorded on the internet. I do have my own personal life away from WordPress.
I may never get to reconstructing my website. I wanted to reintroduce some new things such as bullet journals, more art, and other hobbies or passions I’ve picked up.
I’d like to record my thoughts for myself on this blog so your opinion is kinda insignificant (unless you hate these types of posts then I’ll think about changing it up).
High school started on September 4th for me. I’m in my freshman year. It’s definitely been a big change. I’ve been okay with it so far. It’s mostly due to the privilege of using phones and air conditioning. There’s also so many options of school lunch too. Having a phone to distract myself in anxious situations has been really great. Sometimes the teachers will allow the class to listen to music when independently working.
I’ve also built some good friends and get to sit with them at lunch. I see them in the halls and some are in my classes. I’m most worried about when the second semester comes. My lunch changes and I currently don’t know anyone who has the same period as I do. I’m scared I’ll be ripped apart from them, especially when I don’t have more than one class with them. The high school football games are over this Friday. They were times when we would gather and have fun. I’m just extremely anxious and dreading second semester.
I think my classes are okay. I have a year round study hall, which I’m super glad for. I took all honors this year (except for math). I was thinking to first get it together before joining a sport. I hope I will join Cross Country again next year. I signed up for multiple art classes. I’m currently taking Intro to Art. I think it is really boring and I would rather take media and technique. The course addresses everything we have done in middle school and grade school. I joined an art course to improve and learn something. I have Spanish 2 as a language. It’s okay so far. I’m running out of things to say.
I think high school is not too bad so far. I know it will get stressful as hell pretty soon since mid terms are coming up in a few months. Someone gave me the advice to laugh.
I’m definitely feeling sadness and a loss of motivation after vacation.
Here’s a brief of my vacation.
August 2-5 was initially planned back in last spring. I went to a drag racing event in Ohio with my best friend. I haven’t seen her in 8 months prior.
I think 2018 was the worst year for me so far. I forgot if I had talked about my countless encounters of panic attacks and my own insecurities, but that really dragged me down this year. I think I really needed a best friend.
Okay so we had the best of time but it went rotten Saturday night due to an family argument. I don’t blame her. I gave her space. Everything was good as new the next morning.
Around 1:30 P.M. I had to hit the road with my best friend’s family friend, who I had known from the year before. I had mixed opinions with the guy (to hate him or not, won’t dive into the reasons). It was fairly awkward the first hour until we came across talking about high school. The conversation went well for about an hour or so. We touched upon the racing event, advice, driving, and his college.
So the aftermath. I felt very sad for a couple of days. I gave (and still having) “catch-up” days before returning to my normal routine. I had a difficult time being productive and even getting out of bed. These days went by in a blink. I’m running on Netflix shows, granola bars, and Youtube. It’s been okay. I hope by Monday I will start trying to follow a routine.
I do too many of these updates because I am really inconsistent with posting (sorry). Summer break had already began on June 8th.
Honestly it’s not going too good. I have to work from 10 am – 10 pm until next week July 11. I started June 11. I’m supposed to help out my parents with my sister and the waitress (a family friend). It has its ups and downs.
I am too tired to go on a morning run, so I do it at 11 pm at night when it’s scary as hell. I have been going off track with my running these few weeks. My parents expect me to work and help out for the summer without pay. Yes I know I shouldn’t be complaining about money, but my goals were a priority. I absolutely know they bust their asses to provide me with the things I have. I feel like if I can’t complete my goal, then at least I have something in return for working. You may thing, but isn’t your parents providing a reason for you to work for free? To be honest, no. I very much so understand if you ask that. I guess I am selfish and want pay. At the end of the day, I won’t be getting payed, but I’ll live.
When I’m “free”, I plan to focus on productivity, my goals, and hanging out with friends.
Talking about friends, they exclude me from hangouts. I’ve tried to bring it up, and one of them said that it’s always been like that.They are so knit together that I don’t even get asked to go with them. I have been friends with them for about an year. I do get jealous of other people’s friendships. How people have best friend duos. I feel so lonely that I truly am so self conscious about it. My best friend moved this summer, and it just went downhill from there. This year was the most hideous year I’ve experienced so far. In January, I had my first severe panic attack since 4th grade. That just set everything off. I hope that will change next year.
Alright let’s wrap this up. Best of luck and see ya soon!
I think having friends and people to talk to is really important.
I did state that 2017 was a bad year. I had 3 panic attacks in December and 1 in January. I’ve always had panic attacks, but I only realized it late 2017. I had two bad ones during school in December. All of them were in school.
I think that I may have anxiety and depression? I don’t wanna self diagnose or say anything for attention.
My very first panic attack was in 4th grade. Ever since then, I’ve had many degrading events that really sticks to me. It affects how I think everyday. I really cannot stop overthinking about everything.
At night, I usually think about my past and future and I get stressed thinking about what I can’t change.
I’m a lonely person. If you see me, you may think, “she has a nice group of friends”, but I always feel like the 5th wheel in everything. I get left out on hangouts and I’m not included in conversations.
I’m not happy with anything. I feel like I’m dragging a sack of rocks everyday just to do anything. I’ve been feeling all of this since a few years ago. I don’t feel accomplished, satisfied, or anything. I think I’m a burden and selfish for everything I do. I’m in a state of mind where I have nothing to look forward to. What can I really do for anyone? I don’t make people happy. I don’t wanna speak about how I’m really feeling because I feel very selfish. I keep in mind for me to shut my mouth and listen. I do feel jealous of everyone else. I can’t seem to find anything bad in other people’s life.
I think I conceal everything well because no one notices.
Most days, I lay in my bed after I get home and do nothing except take a 3 hour nap. I repeat this usually everyday. I’m in bed at 10:30 and can’t sleep until 12.
I stopped doing art because I don’t have any motivation. It all looks like shit. Running doesn’t help my mood.
I recently got bangs (on Thursday) I decided on Sunday. I don’t hate it or love it. It’s just there.
I’ll talk about everything in more depth tomorrow. I’m done for today.